The Tai Chi Gambit

Counting

It’s feels strange to be counting the rest of my life in weeks and days and curling games on TV. While we haven’t finalized the date for MAiD we are aiming for early November. Some examples… Last week, confirmation of my cataract surgery arrived by mail with a date later in November. Nope. I won’t be here for that. A couple of days ago, a friend and former colleague dropped off some cookies and stayed for a brief visit. She said she would be out of province for about six weeks. As she was leaving, she said she would see me later. Nope. I won’t be here when you get back. The other evening I was asked why I was staying up so late. I replied that I was watching a women’s curling game and for me there were just a few games left in my life to watch so I was staying up. And all of a sudden it doesn’t feel as if there is enough time to make sure all the other things are looked after. One major item has been checked off the list: organizing and pre-paying for cremation. All I needed was ...

How Are You Doing Anyways?

Fewer than three weeks away from the end of my life and I’m asking myself how am I doing. As I am trying to live in the moment as much as is possible, I can say I’m doing alright. I can’t help myself when my mind wanders to contemplate that just after four in the afternoon in early November there will be no more me. In this brain which is always crackling with thought energy there will be nothing. An emptiness. It’s hard to wrap my head around it. I think this is how and why some find comfort in the concept of an afterlife. They say to themselves, “surely this can’t be it“. But I think it is. We have one chance at life and if there is something after, it’s not who we were, if that makes sense. I can also see why people believe in miracles. They hope and hope that something supernatural will occur and magically they will be cured or returned to a previous state of better health. I’m not frightened of what will be coming. In many ways, the end will be a relief. No mor...

After the Transplant Doctor Consultation

Last Friday started sunny and calm outside. Inside, another story. Getting out of bed is very difficult most days. It takes a lot of energy and oxygen to get myself going. This morning I found myself in a coughing loop. The more I coughed, the lower my blood oxygen level dropped. Coughing is physically exhausting. After being unable to stop coughing, I switched from the concentrator to a tank of oxygen which gives me purer O2 and helps break the coughing loop. It worked, but I had used a lot of physical energy. I only have so much and I needed to save some for my meeting with a doctor from the transplant team at Toronto General Hospital. The meeting started late because the video conferencing app Microsoft Teams didn’t work. [surprise, surprise; btw I hate MS Teams] We finally got the audio portion working, but the doctor could not see us. We could see her and we could hear each other. The first 30 minutes or so was the doctor exploring my health history. I’m getting very good at telli...

Journey to Another Place

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